Still Unfair

March 19, 2010

Sr. Wantabee was at the hospital yesterday. She visited bed 51 who was becoming a sort of friend. He asking insightful questions, she trying to give meaningful, honest answers and trying to bring a bit of life and entertainment into the boredom of lying in bed, watching TV by the hour until a visitor comes, or a nurse. Perhaps the reader remembers that bed 51 is paralyzed from the arm pit down due to being thrown into the air by a broken water pipe as he tried to help the city replace a sewar lid. The city is “us” and so he could not sue and now with depleted resources is stripped of everything by his medical condition except his faith, family, friends, and some work. Unfair! But today Sr. Wantabee visited because she heard he was close to leaving once his wheel chair was “mapped.” Not knowing what that meant, she bopped into his room to share his joy that the end was near. “What is mapping,” asked she.

In a burst of anger and frustration he shared that he was in the hospital with an ulcer from his wheel chair seat rubbing his paralyzed rump. He had ordered a new bottom which has to be a special deal, a gel filled seat that conforms to his body, and not just an additional cushion, $900!, but that was 3.5 months ago and it had not come. After two months he checked with the company and they assured him it would be there in 2 weeks. It still had not arrived, he could not afford to throw away $900, and so the old chair that put him in the hospital would be reworked. Sr. Wantabee saw the fear and frustration in his face and heard it in his voice. Lord, not only does my friend live with paralysis but the companies committed to helping are negligent. What is wrong with our world. But she said,

“Perhaps if the President needed a special chair, we could get our system to work!” We both had a good laugh at the thought of how much more impacted a president might be if it was his health that depended on the system. “I’m willing to have the same insurance as the Congress, except since I can’t afford anything now, I doubt I could afford what would be offered!” We both laughed as he said,”Right, who’s going to pay for that?” It’s a good thing this is not the end of the story.

Sr. Wantabee shared of her friend in the Homes who thought heaven, picking daisies, sounded “boring.” She had decided that after death she would just go “pooooof.” We both had a good laugh at going poooof and Sr. Wantabee envisioned a little child blowing bubbles and the bubble bursting. “She get a few years in Purgatory for that,” said he. Then we laughed again, as Sr. Wantabee envisioned the lady looking so surprised to awaken in Purgatory. She shared with Mr. Unfair about her discussion with the lady pondering that if we have fun at a basketball game, maybe there would be basketball games in heaven and that would not be boring. He beamed and said for sure he thought there would be basketball in heaven.

Next, Sr. Wantabee shared about a person she had cared for last year who had gone through three divorces, seven children, and who were drawing straws for who would go “get the old fart” for Thanksgiving. He felt very unloved. Several weeks later he had a stroke and died. “My friend, you do not have health and it is unfair, but you do have a wonderful sense of humor, a loving family that visits and cares about you, and a faith that sustains you. You have what is important!” She prayed with him and blessed him on his way and gave him her favorite line, “I hope I never see you again!” He grimaced back at her and said, “I hope I never see you again too, in the hospital!”


Bed 52

March 16, 2010

Sr. Wantabee was at the hospital today. Bed 52 was her last stop before heading home. The woman in her early 50s had a cancerous tumor removed and had not expected the incision to be so big nor so obvious. The next step was radiation and chemo “just in case,” and she was torn wanting to please her various advisors. A faithful husband was unemployed, a daughter with several grandchildren for her and a son married too, about to have another grandchild. Life was pretty good after all. After all what?

She shared how as a young adult she chose adult baptism with the Lutherans. Her Catholic parent married her Protestant parent and the family chaos was resolved by allowing the children to pick their own church. She had chosen Lutheran as an adult and although the baptism was embarrassing, she was comfortable with her choice but had drifted away. Her husband was Catholic but he too had drifted.

Well, actually the two children were from her first marriage that “did nothing for her” and he had three children from his first marriage but they did not relate to their father. The two of them have grown together and “things have worked out well.” She had been thinking that perhaps when all this is over, she would try to find a church that fits…but where to begin?

Sr. Wantabee agreed with this woman, the product of divorce and second chances, that God is not Santa Claus as much as we would like him to be and life is not always “happy ever after.” Churches also are not paradises but the spiritual discipline of weekly meditating, listening to scripture that challenges a person to get outside herself, finding a supportive community is not bad. Sr. Wantabee shared that healing happens best when we are in tune with our spiritual self and in a working relationship with the God of the universe. 911 prayers can be a bit demanding, I need help and I need it NOW. She laughed and agreed that for sure God is not Santa Claus and after she heals, she’ll think about getting in touch with him.

Bed 51, the man who had had a tragic accident and could still chat about faith with Sr. Wantabee, had a birthday today. In their visit he admitted that he had pondered what brought Sr. Wantabee to the hospital to visit. It doesn’t pay. No it’s volunteer. So why come. She comes not because of some great compassion for people “in less fortunate circumstances” than she, she admitted, but because a hospital is a dynamic, active place where each room is like a different math problem. Room 2 is algebra for a half hour. Then geometry for a half hour. Somethings you get lucky and get a calculus problem. They are all interesting people with interesting stories that require Sr. Wantabee think quickly on her feet. Each room is like a different book in the library of life. Bed 51 was labeled, “Unfair,” while bed 52 was labeled, “I’ll think about it.” Heaven cannot be boring.


Competition: Good or Bad?

March 15, 2010

Sr. Wantabee was on the memory challenged unit today and dropped in to see Joan who had not been at the devotional. She was lying on her bed, waking from a morning nap and invited Sr. Wantabee to sit on the edge of the bed. “I missed you at Chaplain’s Corner,” said Sister. Oh, that’s a bunch of bunk, said Joan. “You don’t follow any faith tradition?” she asked. “I was baptized Presbyterian but I don’t believe any of that,” said Joan. “Did Jesus really live?” she continued to ask.

Well, I think so. He is recorded as a real historical figure and several faiths discuss him. Muslims believe he did not die on the cross but was replaced by a substitute but Christians believe he died for sins. I suppose it is possible to question what that means. Was he appeasing an angry God because of our sinfulness or was he, God coming to earth to communication that in-spite of the separation he will be with us even through death,” commented Sr. Wantabee, trying not to sound too judgmental and trying to leave the door open for Joan to share what she thinks about the separation between God and man.

“I agree that we are separated and all that but just because of a beautiful sunset or trees growing, doesn’t mean there is a God,” rebutted Joan. Trying a new angle, Sister Wantabee gently asked, “You and I have more years behind us than before us. What do you think happens?” “Poooffff,” replied Joan. “You don’t believe you are going to pick daisies do you. That’s boring.” Sister Wantabee had to think. Joan had shared that she like sports. “If I could be sure that death is ‘pooooffff’ but most religions talk of an up or down experience or reincarnation or some afterlife. I don’t know of really that truly support a ‘pooofff’ proof. I rather think it will be like Narnia,” shared Sr. Wantabee. Joan had never heard of Narnia. “It will be meaningful life.”

Joan again rejoined, “Picking daisies is boring!” “Well maybe if you did it all the time but how about a basketball game. They aren’t boring and if no one gets hurt, no tears, no exhaustion. Wouldn’t that be fun?” Joan thought about it for a second and answered. “I don’t believe.” Sr. Wantabee thanked her for her honesty and left saying, “Perhaps you don’t believe in God but he believes in you and I am here to let you know he loves you. See you on Wednesday.”

Basketball in heaven. Now there is a thought. A smile came to her face thinking of all the games she has watched with her children playing. Is it possible to just being playing without becoming angry or feeling lose of self worth for loosing. She sure hoped so because the idea of playing basketball in heaven tickled her fancy – maybe she would be able to make a three pointer. Imagine that! And she did.


“I’m gonna win a Golden Globe”

March 13, 2010

Late Friday evening Sr. Wantabee dragged herself to the car to retrieve her daughter and friend who were out babysitting on the other side of town. As the excited girls climbed in the car, they rejected their bee-bop radio station and requested the classical station. They began chatting about the value of classical music, how scary it is in the middle of the night when it is on and some erie music comes on. Sr. Wantabee’s daughter turned to her and said, “Mom, I’m gonna get a Golden Globe!” In all honesty Sr. Wantabee wondered how much of the conversation with a freshman in high school, close to midnight, was exhaustion from a long week at school.

“Mom, I’m gonna win a Golden Globe!” she reiterated. “I have it all planned. I learned to play the flute in 4th grade, and now I’m working on piano. Next year I’ve signed up for cello and they are going to put me in beginner band while I learn. I will only need to master a brass and then I can write a symphony. Can’t you just hear it? (ummmm, no) It’s going to be beautiful. I can hear it Mom. I can hear it. It makes me cry (by now she is in tears and Sister Wantabee is sure exhaustion is speaking). It’s going to be beautiful and in the middle there is going to be a dramatic pause and everyone will hold their breath and then the cello will come crashing in and build to a crescendo. It will be so beautiful. Brother #2 will write the movie and I will do the music in the background. Brother #1 will handle all the finances. Mom, do you remember how we watched The Ghost and the Darkness and when the lion chased the guy up the tree, I always had to close my eyes cause the music was so scary. Yesterday in my social studies class we were watching a movie about…but the music in the background was soooo beautiful that I started crying. All the kids in the class looked at me. I told them to just ignore me doing my thing but I knew Brother #4 would have cried too. It was so beautiful. I’m going to write a music too. I can see me walking on the stage, accepting the award in a gorgeous dress. It will be so wonderful. I’m going to get a Golden Globe!”

Sister Wantabee’s daughter could see, feel, and hear that whole experience. She knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she will some day get a Golden Globe award and around that reality, she is building her life, and developing a talent.

Sister Wantabee asked herself, “What dream do I build my life around?”


Old Age is a Trade-Off

March 12, 2010

Sr. Wantabee was swimming her laps this morning, plowing ahead in high gear breast stroke, when she passed two little ole ladies in aerobic-walk-across-the-pool exercises. Sliding by with her head above water, she heard one lady say to the other, “Old age is a trade off. You give up your hip for flexibility.” Old age is a trade off, pondered she. What am I trading for?

  • speed for perseverence: my kids may run faster but I plod longer.
  • passion for companionship: perhaps the love life does not have all the passion of youth but the depth of companionship and partnership and comfort is unmatchable.
  • focus for depth: when young being task oriented but now having a wealth and breadth of experiences to enjoy any task.
  • 1/2 mile of swimming for 1/4 mile of swimming: but I’m still swimming!
  • the pursuit of financial security for the ability to pace “wants and haves”: I don’t plan as much for tomorrow because tomorrow is today!
  • finding the “right guy” for enjoying the guy who has been right for me.
  • Seventeen magazine to discover the right look for a good book and a cup of coffee: but actually my daughter has been reading Tale of Two Cities and enjoying it.
  • meditating on what the future might bring for meditating on the unexpected joys the future has brought
  • a big future looming on the horizon for a rich past with wonderful memories
  • friendships of the moment for friendships that have weathered a life time: my daughter has a “new friend” who called yesterday and asked if she wanted a samosa and I have an old friend many states away who faithfully prays for me.

Yes, old age is a trade-off but as far as I can tell, the trade is worth making. Perhaps the disappointed hopes, the grey hair, wrinkles, and the sagging muscles that need swimming are a small price to pay in the trade-off.  I wonder how many are willing to trade and how many are holding tight to a life that is passing in fear they will get the raw end of the deal?


To Believe or Not Believe, That is the Question

March 11, 2010

Sr. Wantabee had two interesting hospital visits today. Bed 1, “undesignated” faith, bed 2 “Christian.” One a woman, one a man. She in her 80s, he in his 70s. She a hip replacement, he a knee replacement. Somehow they were further apart than the ten feet of wall between them.

She was the daughter of a father whose father was a Methodist minister that ignored the family for the sake of his church. The bitter father married her fundamentalist mother and the girls went to church. But early on she detected the hypocrisy when she and her friends made a pack not to let anyone go alone with the pastor who liked women. Gather money for the people in Africa but don’t bring them here! Indian children forced from homes on the reservation to get an education. Christianity is just hypocrisy. “But surely by your 80s, with more years behind than in front, you can distinguish between truth and the people who live truth and distort it for their own purposes? Truth is not less true because people twist it. Just because I disagree with my friend does not mean I don’t love her.” Churches gather money and build buildings while people starve, she responded. No religion is not for her. She is not a hypocrite.

In the next room lay a man, well read and traveled who had lost his job in the church because of a messy divorce those many years ago. But, said he, he has had a successful career for twenty years, married a wonderful woman who added three more children to his three and really life has turned out very nice. He has found a wonderful church and periodically is asked to serve church needs. Sr. Wantabee and he pondered reconciliation and writings of some of the best. She remembered her failures too and marveled at the restoration and joy she has found in using her talents differently than she had envisioned as a youth, or even ten years ago.

Bed one did not pray but a tear hung on the corner of her eye. She could not believe nor wanted to. Bed two bowed his head and prayed with Sr. Wantabee.

To believe or not believe. How does one give up being the victim to step across the great divide?


Life’s Unfair

March 9, 2010

Sr. Wantabee cried today. She received news this morning as she headed off to the hospital that a young family she’s involved with miscarried again. Unfair her heart cried. Her first patient at the hospital was a young girl going in for a regular, routine, small surgery but chatted a bit. She was the child of a cross cultural adoption, of similar faith, and had informed her parents that morning of her small surgery. It was a nice time of prayer. Sr. Wantabee read the records and discovered that the patient too was the struggling with complications of a miscarriage. Unfair. The next gentleman was lying on an airbed, paralyzed from the airpits down. Having debated with the water department for years about the sewer cap near his house that always came off, the cap not being fixed, he had gone out to put it back in place a couple years back. The pipe blew as he did it, sending him forty feet in the air and crashing to paralysis. Public services is us and you cannot sue yourself and so insurance had eaten up all his retirement and assets. Unfair. Sr. Wantabee cried. Life is unfair. Then she remembered the many times she had responded to her kids when they complained about something not being fair, “That’s right, life is not fair.” The unfairnesses of life are like that pig in the slop with the prodigal son. What do we do with the bitterness and disappointment? Can we “come to ourselves” and return to the creator or do we sit in our grump? It’s a good question.


Despair

March 6, 2010

I met despair today, just sitting there.
I tried to breath but there was no air.
Her head hung low,
Her speech was slow.
“My friend,” said I
“Despair I spy.
Now look at me
What can it be?”
The church she loves,
It is her boast,
May choose to die.
“Oh my, but why?”
They took a test
They tried their best.
They wanted to know
Their growth is slow.
The diagnosis came back
No life to track.
The end is near.
I won’t bend your ear.
“But can it be, a test can tell
If a church has power to swell?
Does God abandon a work of his?
Does Holy Spirit stop his bizz?
I thought about the crucifixion
Christ stood alone, “crucify” their diction
But no one claims this as defeat.
No one says that God was beat.
The sun still shines and let’s us know,
God will help our trees in spring to grow.
David faced Goliath bold.
If test were given, he’d have no score.
No height, no age, no strength, it’s true.
A test if given would make you blue.
Moses too would not score high.
The Red Sea at back
Pharoah’s army nigh
A test if given, the score would show
No future for those folks of old.
OK, let’s look upon Daniel’s den,
The lions starved, hemmed him in.
Shall we give a survey and check the scene?
Will he live or on to heaven beam?
The facts looked horribly grim.
Was there truly a future for him?
All these cases go to show
A man made test has forgot the glow.
A God who works in horrible places
A God who loves to cure disgraces.
Do not despair my most loved friend,
What ere befalls, you can lean on Him.


The Science Man

February 25, 2010

I met a man today.
It was in his bed he lay.

“Science explains the facts,”
said he, as he lay upon his back.
I look for what a man might see.
“No spirit world does impact me!”

Are you really then an Agnostic by name?
Is that the way you play life’s game?
You look upon a world torn by strife
Think that man can live a good life?

“For sure,” he said, “I hang my head.

Man left to self, lives in the red!”

You look about the age I am.
I thought that Star Trek was oh so grand.
Life forms that live in other ways
On other plants far from our craze.
I saw one episode based on nitrogen,
These rock people could not swim.
And yet they loved their little ones,
And fought to save them from the guns.
So cute, so sweet,
and yet a life form we do not meet.
Could God be a bit like that,
A form of life, not a word we pull from our hat?

The man was not oh so impressed
He turned and said he felt distress
“My wife of 41 years, you see,
Had a stroke and recovered miraculously.”
He did give it a thought or two
“What would I do if that were not true?”

Sr. Wantabee looked at him
And said, through trying not to grin.
41 years of relationship
That is something not to rip.
And yet you see not the love that comes.
You see not the relationship forms.
It’s there and in between
Just like God who is not seen.
She turned and left him with a grin.
Perhaps she’ll never speak to him.
But deep inside she knew the truth.
God is here, not on the roof!


I Saw Love Yesterday

February 20, 2010

Sr. Wantabee was wheeling two wheel chairs with elders around the corner from the auditorium to the elevator to return them to their rooms. As she rounded the corner she saw a woman, perhaps 85 years old, sitting on a couch. She was a typical little ole lady with curly, permed hair, overweight face with deep set eyes and a rolly polly body. In a wheel chair next to her sat the little old man from the nursing Home.

He was memorable because his hands were frozen in an eternal fist. He weighs perhaps 300 lbs but faithfully attends church. Of course it is necessary to ask him if he wants a bulletin and he always says no because he cannot hold it. She was not sure he could even read but surely he must.

As Sr. Wantabee rounded the corner, he reached out his frozen fist to touch her hand. “Do you still love me?” she asked. “Of course I do,” he gently replied. “Why would I stop loving you?” She giggled and responded, “Well, I talk too much.” He held her hand in his frozen fist, smiled into her eyes with his toothless smile and said, “I will always love you.” She beamed her love back to him.